Well-written

Phil Roger's, in today's Chicago Tribune column, riffs on my ultimate "wish I'd written that" from "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel:

Where have you gone, Joe Borowski-o?
Cubs Nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

In related news, it looks like Dusty Baker might actually consider naming Kyle Farnsworth his closer. Could be just what the Cubs need, or another colossal failure. I say go for it -- what could he possibly have to lose?

Sucks to be this guy

PINE BLUFF, Ark. (AP) -- A man who set his wife's pants on fire because he believed she was having an affair accidentally torched his mobile home and has been charged with arson, police said.

Officers said Leroy Brown, 19, perceiving that his wife had been with another man, set fire to the pair of pants he thought she was wearing at the time of the affair.

The burning pants started to singe Brown's fingers so he dropped the pants and the mobile home caught fire, Pine Bluff police detectives James Golden and Kelvin Hadley said.

Read the full account here.

Heads or Tails

Well, Bill Simmons has done it again.

Just as I was trying to come up with the words to sum up my feelings about the 2004 Cubs season, The Sports Guy posted a column today about the Red Sox, where he hit almost every point I eventually would have made, if I could have sorted out in my brain myself.

He did the same thing last October, with this piece, written after the Red Sox blew Game 7 against the Yankees. Here’s what he had to say back then:

Hey, this is my team. I came to grips with that a long time ago. They're part of my life. Sometimes they lift me to a higher place. Sometimes they punch me in the stomach and leave me for dead. There's no rhyme or reason. And there are thousands and thousands of diehards just like me, all trapped in that same bad marriage, united by our experiences and memories.

Of course, he had a bunch of other stuff to say to, which I recommend for any baseball fan. Just like I recommend today’s piece, which starts with this Billy Joel lyric:

She cuts you once, she cuts you twice
But still you believe
The wound is so fresh you can taste the blood
But you don't have strength to leave.

The 2004 Cubs and Red Sox are not as similar as the 2003 editions. The 2004 Red Sox are likable. The 2004 Cubs have Kent Mercker and LaTroy Hawkins. The 2004 Red Sox had the services of Pedro Martinez and Curt Schilling all year. The 2004 Cubs had to make do while Mark Prior and Kerry Wood missed way too many starts (I know, no tears shed for a team that had Carlos Zambrano as it’s fifth starter coming out of Spring Training, but still). I could go on.

But what I think is happening, to me, anyway, is that Cubs fans are starting to see what happens to the good-but-not-great teams. See, every year of my life, no one really expected the Cubs to do anything. And if they did predict success, the team had usually coughed it up by the All-Star break, or at least my birthday (Aug. 13).

This year was different. After last season ended (I still remember the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach), Cubs fans realized something: We were going to be better this year. Why? Well, Prior, Wood, Zambrano and Matt Clement were coming back. We’d have Corey Patterson and Aramis Ramirez for the whole season. Then the acquisitions started, first Derrek Lee and then Greg Maddux. Along the way, other bits and pieces fell into place, like Todd Hollandsworth and Michael Barrett. How could this not be our year? I’m 25, and there is no doubt this is the best Cubs roster of my lifetime.

Well, you know the story. Injuries and the St. Louis Cardinals conspired to put this Cubs team in its current position – tied for the Wild Card with five games to play (four, if you account for the fact that they’re playing the Reds right now, up 2-1 heading into the ninth and just awaiting another Hawkins implosion). Sure, more than half the teams in the league would like to be here right now.

But for the Cubs it was supposed to be different. We were supposed to use this last week to coast, resting Moises Alou’s tired knees and setting the rotation for the playoffs. Instead, we drop two of three at Shea over the weekend and suddenly it could all be over. But then again, why shouldn’t the Cubs win out?

It’s like Simmons says today:

Everything has changed. Nothing has changed. I don't want to go through this again. I can't live without it. I'm not sure I can handle it. I couldn't imagine any other way.

.I can’t tell if I want the Cubs to make the playoffs or not. Obviously I do, but I can’t handle the heartbreak. Last year everything was so surreal, I couldn’t imagine being disappointed. Plus, they hadn’t had a real chance in the postseason since 1984, so even the misery represented a giant improvement over the status quo. But, in the late innings of Game 6, I let myself believe the Cubs were going to the World Series. The next thing I knew, the Marlins began to rally and the Cubs accomplished the rare baseball feat of losing two games in one inning (for reference, see: Mets vs. Red Sox, Game 6, World Series, 1986).

This year, I don’t know what to think. I haven’t been living and dying with every game down the stretch, maybe because I haven’t fully healed from 2003. I had from 1998 to last October to prepare, so I was more than ready. Maybe 12 months just isn’t enough.

And, as expected… Hawkins just blew the save. Tied at two with a runner on second, now we need to go to extra innings just for the chance to keep pace with the Giants. I can’t say I’m surprised. I gave too much of myself last year, now I can’t trust this team, especially after seeing how many winnable games faded away all season. I know this team has more wins than last year’s, that Wood and Prior are well-rested for the playoffs. But this three-game series against the Braves has all the makings of a collapse for the ages.

Either way, at the end of play Sunday, I’ll have to come up with a total change in attitude. Any pessimism I have now will probably evaporate. That will come quicker if the Cubs make the playoffs, but not so much if I have to try to get excited about 2005.

I really don’t know what to think. This is why baseball is the king of sports, because it delivers something every day, every pitch. None of this waiting two weeks for the Super Bowl business. This kind of drama is why I love the sport, and yet it kills me slowly with each passing day.

Go Cubs Go.

Crazy like a fox

Thankfully no one was hurt. But it's hard not to shake your head at the story of a guy who threw a homemade 'bomb' at an Alliant Energy substation in Clinton. Some of the finer passages from our story yesterday:

Court documents state that, prior to moving to Iowa, Oliver Guertin was a patient at the Colorado Mental Health Institute at Fort Logan. He was admitted there in May 2003 for the ninth time. His problems began at an early age. At the age of 5 or 6, he cut off the fingers of a classmate, tried to stab a classmate with a pencil, assaulted a student with a heavy sack lunch, ate glue, paper and crayons and, along with his brother, was observed eating from neighborhood garbage cans.

Apparently, insanity is a family thing.

Police interviewed Guertin's wife, Catherine Guertin. Both she and Guertin have a history of mental illness; they met at a mental health institute in Colorado. Catherine asserted that as a teenager, she met and befriended a group of Satan worshippers. She continues to follow their beliefs, and said she and Guertin talk about "killing people and world destruction" all the time. The two of them planned the "bombing of Alliant" and prepared the device in question using products in their home thought to be flammable. They also planned future bombings of the courthouse, the police department and finally the White House "to kill the President."

Read the full account here.

Life with baby

.

So, so true. Jack ate at midnight and then again at 4 a.m. So much for that sleeping through the night crap.

Time to kill?

This simple game will easily waste hours of time in the lives of those with no willpower.

Thanks to Eric Zorn's Notebook for the link.

Wedding weekend

I’m now back on solid ground in Iowa following my whirlwind tour of the Twin Cities area for my best friend’s wedding (not to be confused with the movie by the same title, which I hate). I returned with a lovely head cold and a minor lack of sleep. So here, because I know you’ve all been waiting, is my captivating rundown of the weekend that was.

• My directions were excellent and I didn’t get lost at all finding my way to Nick’s apartment. The drive took about 5.5 hours, including one stop for gas just shy on the Minnesota border (where the fun really starts as the speed limit climbs to 70 mph). I entered right before the torrential downpours.

• In my limited experience, I have not found a more confusing metro area than Minneapolis and St. Paul. Compounded by roadwork, which closed several key exits, I had a near impossible time all weekend even guessing at where I was in relation to where I had just been or was going to. After acting as chauffeur for much f Thursday and Friday, I began to get my bearings and could move from hotel to apartment to restaurant effectively, but not without incident.

• I almost killed two people Friday night, one of them me and the other my passenger. The rehearsal dinner was at the excellent Capital Grille in downtown Minneapolis. My car was running low on gas, and I decided to fill up before turning it over to the valets, because I didn’t know how far they had to drive it. I let the groom and a groomsman off at the door while the other groomsman hopped up front, suggesting he ride with me since he had a cell phone and I don’t. Good plan.

We got some decent directions from a valet guy, and attempted to make our way toward the nearest gas station, which was several blocks away. He’d told us it was south of where we were (I think, I lost all concept of direction all weekend), but his directions centered on the street we’d just left, so I wanted to go north a block to reorient myself.

The first time I tried to turn left, I noticed it was a one-way going the wrong way, so I went up a block ad tried to turn left again. I damn near pulled on to some commuter train track, which would not have been good because there were two trains pointed our direction. I quickly threw it into reverse and sped back down the road the correct direction. We found the gas station, but the one that sold for $1.83 a gallon was closed, so we had to go up the street and pay $1.99.

On the way back, I knew I wanted to be on Eighth Street and Hennepin. What I did not know is that Eighth Street is a one way, moving away from Hennepin. I did not realize this until I had already turned on to Eighth Street pointed toward Hennepin. Since the three lanes of traffic pointed at me were waiting at a red light, I zipped ahead to an alley (”Not a Thru Street”) and then continued to Ninth Street, where I could safely execute my plan of returning to the restaurant.

• Seriously, The Capital Grille was a tremendous dining experience, one of the finest of my lifetime. Dinner last four hours. We had a lovely seafood appetizer (three options — lobster/crab cakes, fried calamari and shellfish platter, including oysters and a lobster head), I followed with an excellent tomato and mozzarella dish (my friend Derek said he eats something similar for breakfast two to three days each week in Germany), then 14-oz. of dry-aged sirloin that was probably the best steak I’ve ever head, or at least in the top 5. Dessert was a choice of key lime pie, creme brulee or a flourless mocha chocolate cake.

I’d ordered the creme brulee (the father of the groom advised me never to pass up a chance for creme brulee, and I know he knows his food). However, by the time dessert arrived, I was at a different table of friends, sitting in the seat of the bride’s personal attendant, who had left for the night with the bride to get a good night’s sleep. They brought the chocolate mocha thing out to her seat (with fresh raspberries), and me and another dude pretty much decimated it. Then, the waiters realized I had ordered the creme brulee and brought that over to me. I promptly downed it, and couldn’t have been happier.

The amaretto sours I’d had earlier were divine. The only thing subpar was the bread, but that’s only because I like soft dinner rolls. Other people said the rye was excellent, and I’m inclined to believe them. The servers were beyond polite, and everyone had a great time. Down in the bar area, I was trying to get a score on the Cubs-Mets game, but couldn’t catch the bottom-line ticker on the Twins-Indians telecast. Then I noticed the bar had its own info ticker on the wall, flashing world news, stock info and sports scores. Sadly, the system was a little off, because it said the Cubs were playing the Padres. So I had to rely on a cell phone call to my dad, who only knew the score because of a cell phone call from my brother.

• Speaking of the Cubs, I’m happy to say I didn’t get to see any of the Mets series. If I had, I’d probably have thrown myself off a bridge by now. In my world, we’re a half-game up with a week to play. We can pretty much seal our fate with a four-game sweep of the Reds with the Giants and Astros deal with the Padres and Cardinals, respectively.

• Jack was pretty much on his best behavior all weekend. He and Kristie watched the ceremony from the cry room just in case, which worked out well because he was bouncing and making happy noises. He scored multiple points at the reception, putting on his cute act for all of our friends and happily being carried around by those seeing him for the first time. As my dad read a poem to the new couple, he listened intently, forgetting entirely that he was upset just a few moments before. For whatever reason, he is always captivated by my dad’s voice. But when I talk to him, he just throws up.

He also slept most of the way home Sunday, which made the six-hour drive much easier. We stopped so he could eat just inside of Iowa, then we had to stop quickly on the Interstate to put up the sun shield in the read window. As we headed west on Highway 18, the setting sun was directly in his face. After the shade went up, he was still a little fussy, but eventually passed out for the remainder of the trip.

• I pulled a real boner Saturday on the way to the church, taking the exit for one of the hotels instead of going further down the highway. I was early enough that if, as I thought to do, I’d headed to the hotel, I could have just followed people to the church. Instead, I drove around Edina for 15 minutes (while the radio played the Dave Matthews Band song “Where Are You Going?”) until I found the fire department. A dude there pointed me the right way and I was totally on time. But still a little embarrassed.

• The wedding itself was absolutely perfect. I’d go into great detail, but I’m getting long-winded as it is. Let’s just say the ceremony was lovely, I had a great time at the reception with old and new friends and the whole weekend is one to be remembered for years.

• I went to put my glasses on Friday morning and heard a snap. “That can’t be good,” I though as the right ear piece cleanly removed itself from the frontpiece. The most frustrating part is that I just ordered new lenses for these same frames. They came in on Thursday, but it was after I’d left. Grrr.

Anyhow, that precipitated a trip to the Mall of America Saturday morning. Here’s my MOA advice: Get there when it opens. You will find rock star parking in the small lots just outside the anchor stores (we park by Nordstrom). Not all of the stores will be open right away inside, but it gives you time to move around, get your bearings and figure out where stuff is before the heavy shopping begins.

Kristie and I were both impressed with the mall because it wasn’t tacky. For as big as it is, it didn’t even seem all that overblown. And it was clean and, in many places, carpeted. I’m not saying I’d shop there regularly if I lived in Minneapolis, but it’s a much more pleasant experience than Gurnee Mills.

• This guy, who allegedly rode a motorcyce at 205 mph through the Tiwn Cities area, is indeed the talk of the town, FYI.

• The groom and groomsmen went to an alleged sports bar Thursday evening. I say alleged because at 12:15 p.m., not one of the TVs was showing Sportscenter (to give me the all-important Giants-Dodgers game) and the jukebox was playing “Rocket Man” by Elton John before shifting to a “Bohemian Rhapsody” cover. Fortunately, the waitress was able to determine that the Giants had lost, plus I got free refills on my Cherry Coke. Good times all around.

I guess that’s all I can think of for now. Like I said, I had a tremendous weekend. To anyone at the wedding who is a regular reader of this tripe, I’m glad you were there to be with me and Nick and Alexis and their families for the experience. Hopefully you all have your own good memories to take away. I couldn’t have imagined a better time, and I wish you all the same experience for any upcoming nuptial celebrations.

Sucks to be this kid

DALLAS (AP) -- A teacher is on paid administrative leave after sending a first-grader home with feces in his backpack because the boy soiled the classroom floor.

The teacher apparently was frustrated with the 6-year-old student's actions so she wrapped up the waste and sent it home with the boy Tuesday along with a note, Dallas school district spokesman Donald Claxton said.

Read the full account here.

Heads Up

I'm on my way to Minnesaota this morning for a wedding, and won't be back to post unitl Sunday at the earliest. Not that I'm not prone to absences, but this time I'm getting my excuse out in advance.

Warning: Bordeom ahead

The lead graph here says it all about my column today.

CLINTON — Attention: Readers who couldn’t care less about municipal government should probably stop reading now, because you’ll either end up bored to tears or mad at me for wasting five minutes of your life. Go ahead and stare at the editorial cartoon for a while, or maybe do the crossword puzzle.

And now back to our regularly scheduled cynicism.

When I called City Hall Friday afternoon to see if any Ward 2 residents had been in looking for information on a petition to void the City Council’s recent appointment, I have to admit I was a little depressed to find my suspicions confirmed. Because sadly, petitions have taken on a negative connotation in Clinton in recent years, perhaps the fault of the city’s Home Rule Charter.

The mistaken belief is that anything someone doesn’t like can be challenged by petition. Every time the council does something progressive (say, support a building code) there is a collective breath-holding for the next 14 days, waiting to see if someone comes into the clerk’s office with a petition demanding the decision be overturned.

The recent South Clinton petition is a good example of how the use of the Home Rule Charter is misunderstood. The petition was in opposition of rezoning land in South Clinton from residential to industrial. The problems with that are twofold. One, there is no such proposal on the table. And two, amendments to the city zoning ordinance are not subject to petition.

Now, the South Clinton petition, to my understanding, was merely a statement of opposition to a particular concept, as was the petition that circulated just before the city budget was approved this year. This is different from petitions exercising the right of initiative and referendum, which does not extend to the city budget, zoning or other issues like salaries of city employees or the issuance of general obligation and revenue bonds.

So if people want to petition as a matter of showing the widespread opposition to something, that’s all well and good. They just can’t expect it to force the council to take action.

It is at this point I should state that I am no expert on the Home Rule Charter. I just have a copy of it, which I obtained by asking for it. Any other citizen can do the same, and probably should if they want to know how things work around here. But I digress.

I initially rolled my eyes when I heard about the Ward 2 petition. I’m a Ward 2 resident, and I know such a petition will leave me without a representative until mid-December at the earliest. As a Council observer, I feel the body functions best with its full complement of seven elected officials. And, most of all, I thought all three candidates for the position were well-qualified and would have been happy with whatever the Council decided.

But then I decided to step outside of my job as a reporter and started to look at the situation as a citizen. Sure I was OK with the Council’s appointment, but perhaps my fellow Ward 2 residents were not. If they felt they had made it clear who should be appointed, they have a right to be upset if their feelings were not carried through, or at least a reasonable explanation.

Ward 2 residents relied on six sitting council members to appoint someone that could serve in the best interests of the ward. Three of those are people totally unaccountable, at the polls, to Ward 2 voters. There aren’t too many times a council person has to stick up for ward-specific issues, but the Ward 2 councilman should be the first contact whenever a ward resident has a question about city issues. If the appointee isn’t someone people are comfortable with, that’s a problem.

As stated earlier, I’m totally satisfied with the council’s choice. The group could have gone of three ways, all would have been just fine with me. It’s also entirely possible that another group of Ward 2 residents called the council to support the man who was appointed.

But evidently enough people are upset about the issue that it will be going to the polls. And that’s the way it should be. The special election will cost around $800. There may be some delays thanks to clerical problems, such as trying to get a city election scheduled around the Nov. 2 general election, but we shouldn’t let those things stand in the way of the essence of representative government.

This particular episode serves as a good reminder to me how important it is not to get blindsided by what makes my job easiest, but to instead focus on what’s best for the people of Clinton.

Words of wisdom

But, conspiracies or not, (Dan) Rather has no one to blame for this mess but himself. Every journalist should remember the old Chicago City News Bureau slogan: "If your mother says she loves you, check it out."

From Clarence Page's column in today's Chicago Tribune.

Life with baby

New developments in the world of Jack:

He’s now sleeping in his crib, in his own room. This went pretty well the first night (Saturday), when he stirred only once, around 2:45 a.m., and was immediately soothed before finally waking up around 7 a.m.

It went even better the next night, during which he made no sound at all until being startled awake by my shower at 4:40 a.m. But, Kristie was able to get him back to sleep again before she had to wake up.

It went less good last night, with Jacking waking up around 2:30 and pretty hacked off about something. If the kid would learn to stop rolling over in bed, he’d sleep much, much better. I fed him around 3 a.m., and by 3:22 a.m. had him in his car seat and trying to go to sleep. At about 3:40, I put him back in his crib, which instantly pissed him off. So it was back out to the car seat. He was snoring by 4:18 a.m., which is about 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. Beautiful.

In other news, we are now the proud owners of a Jumperoo, which alternately amuses and frustrates the baby, He enjoys it a little bit, especially the part where he gets to bang stuff to make noise, but eventually just gets ticked off that we’re not picking him up. I think he realizes we use the Jumperoo to ignore him, just one more testament to the idea that he’s already too smart for his won good.

(Along those lines -- he’s now very, very good at recognizing bottles and getting hungry fast. But, he also recognizes bottle-shaped items, like popsicles, and gets ticked off when he can’t have them. This is not my favorite part of being a dad.)

Why I love Mark Prior

Not love love, the way I love my wife or my kid, but more the way I love chicken-bacon-pepperoni pizza:

Prior has said he doesn't mind if he's in the bullpen for the playoffs.

"Think what you want," he said. "I honestly don't care. If they want me to start, start me and I'll go out and do everything I can to win the ballgame. If they want me to come in in long relief, I'll do that. If they want me to close, I'll do that.

"Come playoff time, it doesn't matter what you do or who you are. If you're a guy who hits 40 home runs and you've got to lay down a sacrifice bunt, that's what you've got to do.

"It's about the team goal of winning a World Series ring. Whatever the task is, if I start a game, come in two days later in relief or whatever, that's what I'm going to do. Everybody on this team has that feeling. Whatever is asked of them, they're going to do to."

Read the full story here.

Sucks to be these guys

HAMBURG, Germany (AP) -- They came to dine at an expensive restaurant along the normally calm harbor in Hamburg. Instead, they got soaked.

About 50 patrons at the Strandperle restaurant briefly found themselves up to their waists in water Wednesday evening when a 640-foot-long cargo ship entered the harbor at high tide, creating a giant wave that inundated the chic eatery, the Hamburg coast guard said Thursday.

None of the patrons suffered injuries, although restaurant-goers' pants legs were soaked through, police said.

Read the full account here.

Waterworld

What's new in Gurnee? Click the (Chicago Tribune) picture to read an article about Hurricane Harbor, the new 13-acre water park being built right outside Great America. Here's the specifics:

The water park would include slides, raft rides and a wave pool. There would also be a two-acre play area with 17 towers interconnected with slides, bridges, chutes and ladders. Six Flags spokeswoman Michelle Hoffman said it would be "the world's largest interactive water play structure."

Gurnee also is looking forward to construction of the $140 million "Majestic Springs Resort," a hotel/convention center/water park seemingly in line with The Kalahari in Wisconsin Dells, where Kristie and I have gon with her family the past two summers. Even if you don't have a need to browse the site, at least check out the happy African-inspired song embedded on the site. Or, if you'd rather, read this post from July about our most recent trip to the Dells.

Read more about the project, courtesy of the Daily Herald, here. And, while you're at it, here's the Herald's take on the Six Flags expansion.

Talkin' Baseball

There are 20 games left in the Cubs’ season. Just 20. That’s just a bit more than 12 percent of the season, but it’s gotten to the point — just a half game back of San Francisco in the Wild Card race — where every game the Cubs have from here on out is The Most Important Game of the Year, kind of like every rose ceremony on “The Bachelor” is the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

The Cubs need to win only 11 to finish with a better record than they had when they won the National League Central in 2003. But for a team predicted to win the World Series, finishing out of the playoff race is inexcusable. Yes, there haven’t been back-to-back winning seasons since 1972. Yes, the team hasn’t made the post season in consecutive years since capturing National League crowns in 1906, 1907 and 1908. But all that changed last year when the Cubs showed they can be among baseball’s elite and then remained in contention through all of this season.

Those 20 remaining games will be played in 19 days, thanks to Hurricane Frances. The Cubs finish against Pittsburgh today, then head out on the longest road trip of the season, including four games in Cincinnati, a Monday doubleheader in Miami, then three games in Pittsburgh and three in New York before coming back to Chicago to end the season against the Reds and Braves.

While it is true the Cubs have the easiest schedule in terms of opponents, coming out of this smelling like roses is still a difficult task. The only true advantage the Cubs have is that, due primarily to the three missed games with the Marlins, no team in the wild card chase has fewer losses. What that means is if every other team wins its remaining games — a statistical impossibility, since the Giants still play both the Astros and Padres — the Cubs will win the wild card by one game.

The best prediction is that this year’s playoff chase will go down to the final weekend, just like last season, when the Cubs clinched by sweeping a doubleheader from Pittsburgh while the Brewers took three of four in Houston.

It may be foolish to write off Houston again, but it seems that San Francisco and Florida pose the biggest impediments to the Cubs winning the wild card.

The Giants play tonight and Thursday in Milwaukee, then host San Diego for three days, followed by three against the Astros and Dodgers before going on the road to face the Padres and Dodgers to end the season. They are off the next two Mondays. That will help, but those last six games on the road against divisional rivals could be brutal.

The Marlins are back in Miami for three with the Expos (after beating Montreal twice at Comiskey). They host the Braves for three, then enjoy that doubleheader against the Cubs (on the Giants first idle day, which means everything should be even the morning of Sept. 21) before hosting Philadelphia. The Marlins then hit the road to end the year with three game sets in Atlanta and Montreal and four in Philadelphia. That looks tough, but if any team can win on the road, it’s Florida.

Houston has much bigger problems, including five more games against St. Louis. If the Astros can manage not to get blown out f the water there, they could feast on six remaining games with the Brewers and the season-ending homestand against the Rockies. But don’t count on it. Houston also has two off days, but those three games in San Francisco could be disastrous.

The only safe prediction is another exciting playoff chase. Say what you will about the wild card, but without it, there would be no real pennant races in the National League this year, and only two in the American. The majority of baseball would be playing useless games right now, and that’s no way to keep fans from switching over to football.

Life with Baby

Jack is now fully capable of rolling from his back to his belly. He'd been trying to do the deed for a few weeks, and finally pulled it off Saturday morning. Would he repeat it for the video camera? Of course not. Did he do it again right after the camera ran out of tape? You betcha.

He did it a few more times Saturday, each with great effort. He basically hauls his right leg up and over, then teeters for a few seconds before remembering to pull his right arm out from under his body. That was how he did it, anyway, until the early morning hours of today, after he'd eaten and was supposed to be going back to sleep on the floor.

Instead, every time I jolted myself awake, there was Jack, on his belly staring me in the face. I saw him whip himself from back to belly in about three seconds. Now he basically rolls over whenever he wants to, regardless of if he's on a flat surface or a pillow or the couch or wherever. And he expresses no real interest in rolling back over, in fact, he gets pretty pissed if you do it for him.

Rather, once he's on his belly, he lifts his head up and immediately begins scanning for stuff he wants to go get. The only problem (to him -- to us, it's an advantage) is that he still has no means of getting from point A to point B, except for spinning around in a circle on the floor, using his head as the pivot point.

I usually need seven or eight beers before I get that way.

On another note, he also plays a good game of peek-a-boo. He'll actually cover himself up, then pull the cover off and laugh. What does he need us for?

Sucks to be these guys

WATERLOO, Iowa -- A resident's attempt to smoke out a large bee hive ended with a visit from the fire department Thursday morning.

No one was injured when the flames spread to the siding of the home at 1132 Josephine St.

The house, which is rented by Gladys Calzadilla, took minor damage, said Virgil Powell, battalion chief with Waterloo Fire Rescue. And an undisclosed number of bees were left homeless.

The residents were trying to evict a swarm of bees that constructed a hive in the crawl space beneath an addition to the house.

They used gasoline to create smoke, hoping that would chase away the winged squatters.

"It wasn't a very good plan," Powell said.

Courtesy of the Waterloo- Cedar Falls Courier. The story is also here via the AP.

Sucks to be this chick

POTSDAM, N.Y. (AP) -- A northern New York woman taking a used car out for a test drive found a little something extra under the hood: A 3-foot snake.

Margaret Brusso took a 1999 Honda Accord out for a ride Wednesday after spotting the car at a dealership in Potsdam. When she noticed the car's hood was ajar, she decided to take a look at the engine.

"All of a sudden I was eye to eye with this giant snake," Brusso said.

"They must have heard me scream all the way to Market Street," she said.

Read the full account here.

Words of wisdom

Mary Schmich, the Chicago Tribune columnist behind the oft-repeated “Always Wear Sunshine” graduation speech, came up with another instant classic in today’s Tribune, offering a list of suggestions for those going off to their first year of college. Among the top entries:

2. Don't eat as much as you can just because the dining hall is all-you-can-eat. That bottomless food supply will go straight to your bottom without expanding your brain. Besides, you need to save room for midnight pizza.
3. When you wake up homesick, don't lie in bed imagining life back home was so much better. It wasn't. Remember? Remember? Get up, take a shower and head for the all-you-can-eat breakfast.
4. If you're not homesick, fake it a little for your parents' sake. They miss you, at least as much as they're glad to have you gone.

Read the whole piece here

Sucks to be this guy

LE MARS, Iowa (AP) -- A man who police say was intoxicated was unhurt after a train drove over him. Shawn M. Polley, 44, of Bowling Green, Ky., was passed out between the rails of the train tracks last week, police said.

The train's engineer hit the emergency break and notified authorities that the northbound train may have hit a pedestrian. Two of the train's engines passed over Polley's body without hitting him, Officer Jay King said.

Authorities woke Polley and removed him from the tracks after the first engine was disconnected.

"He was sleeping, passed out, whatever you want to call it," King said. "He's just a lucky guy."

Read the full account here.

Sucks to be this guy

John Kass, of the Chicago Tribune, wrote today about the poor schlub who got a $50 ticket for sleeping on a CTA train. To wit:

Bhatia said the officer was friendly and polite in warning him about criminals. The cop said Bhatia could have had his wallet lifted by a pickpocket as he dozed.

Logically, then, by having saved him from a robbery, the city kindly decided to lift 50 bucks from Bhatia's wallet, legally.

Don't you just love municipal government?

More family fun

Another quick story from Monday's lunch with the family.

While cleaning up after the feast, Kristie made two astute observations. One -- "I didn't even know we had this many dishes." And two -- "It's good to wash these all, because otherwise we just use the top two over and over again."

That is, of course, when we're not using paper. Which is always, unless we have company, which is pretty much never. Also, we don't have a dishwasher.

OK, that's all.

You know what I love?

I love spending more than $1,000 to repair a car I don't even own yet. But hey -- what should I expect? I drive a 1998 Buick Century with 97,200 miles on it, and it won't be paid off until February 2007. And I've already spent $800 this year putting new brakes and tires on Kristie's car, and at least another $500 on my car for other crap. I should just take the damn bus.

Evan's link of the week

This one's more funny hmm... than funny ha-ha, but amusing nonetheless. I can;t do much to introduce it, other than to say it won't take too much time to check it out.

Are you ready for some football?

Well, you may be, but I tend to not pay attention to the NFL until after the World Series, even if the Cubs are playing like they did last night (hanging close with Montreal for seven innings (yes, that’s the same Montreal trotting out a starter with a career ERA above 6) and then crapping it all away in one horrible inning). And in case you didn’t know, the NFL season starts tonight when New England takes on Indianapolis in a rematch of last year’s AFC title game. I think.

Anyhow, the best part of the NFL season is that it means the return of Tuesday Morning Quarterback on NFL.com, formerly of ESPN.com’s Page 2, and also formerly, I think, of Slate.com.

He starts the year, like most columnists, with predictions for each team. However, TMQ writes his predictions in haiku. A local example:

It’s Lovie-dovey
on sidelines; on field, might not
be pretty. The Bears.
Forecast finish: 4-12

He’s also usually good for some completely non-football related info, such as this:

Singapore ended its ban on chewing gum, and also decided to allow Cosmopolitan magazine on newsracks. Gum can only be sold by pharmacists, however, who must record the names of buyers. During the last decade, prostitution has been legal in Singapore, while possession of chewing gum has been a crime: Former prime minister Lee Kuan Yew detested gum because wads were found on Singapore's famously spotless streets. As for Cosmo, it was banned for advocating certain sexual practices that bring pleasure to women. Maybe Lee Kuan Yew worried that the legal prostitutes would subscribe to Cosmo and find out what they were missing.

The only problem with TMQ is that it quite long, and can cause a complete lack of focus on work. I recommend printing and reading later, but then there’s no opportunity to click on all of the links, which is half the fun in the first place.

Also in NFL news, ex-Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome, now of the Rocky Mountain News checks in with this nugget of wisdom from a recent column:

Expecting a breakout year from Bears quarterback Rex Grossman is like waiting for Godot, who might have a better arm. Brett Favre has Tim Couch looking over his shoulder and is trying to keep a straight face. The Lions haven't won on the road since it was paved.

Read the full bit here.

Motherly advice

My entire family stopped by Monday to play with Jack and enjoy my parents’ 30th anniversary lunch (grilled steaks with twice-baked potatoes, corn on the cob and apple pie).

I made a loaf of bread in the breadmaker (thanks to the pre-fab mix you can get at most grocery stores, just add water) and timed it to be done right when everyone arrived. That part went fine. But when I dumped the bread out of the pan, I had a fair amount of bread stuck to the paddle, which was stuck to the peg in the pan.

I showed my mom and said, “What do you do when this happens?”

Her answer: “I put cooking spray on the paddle so that doesn’t happen.”

Life with baby

We took Jack to the doctor Tuesday for his four-month checkup and second round of shots (yes, I know he’ll be five months old — 20 weeks, anyway — this Saturday, but we missed his last appointment and had to reschedule, all right?).

Everything went pretty well. He weighs about 15 pounds and checked in at 25.5 inches. The doctor said he’s actually a little small, weight-wise, for his age, and encouraged us to up his feeding from 5 oz. to 6 oz., and perhaps try mixing some cereal in a couple times each day.

Woah.

First off, we’d bought the big bottles weeks ago planning for the shift, but it still is a big change to put 15 to 18 5-oz. bottles out of service. Fortunately, the rings, caps and nipples are universal. But, these new bottles are 9 oz., which is much taller than the older stuff. We’ll eventually go back to the small ones for water or juice or whatever, but right now we’re having to figure out how to fit big bottles in the fridge and diaper bag. This may not seem like a big deal to those of you without kids, but trust me — resolving these issues is taking a lot of time and energy.

Secondly, starting cereal is a way difficult proposition. We’d planned to wait until he got to six months, and our first two attempts proved that to be good instinct. Anything he managed to eat was purely by accident. He mostly dribbled the formula-cereal combination all down his chin which, while making for a pretty cute picture, ended up being just a big damn mess.

The main problem is that he doesn’t understand it’s food. When he’s hungry, he wants a bottle and he wants it five minutes ago. Sticking a spoon in his mouth just pisses him off more. So the only way to get him to eat is to either make rapid switches between bottle, pacifier and spoon, hoping the sucking reflex kicks in, or give him a bottle until he’s a little happier, then shove cereal down his hole while he’s sort of smiling. As a general rule, neither works.

As far as the visit itself, Jack doesn’t mind being weighed and measured, since he kind of likes being naked (don’t we all?). He’s OK with the tongue depressor, because he thinks it’s food, and seems to be content when the nurse takes his temperature with the ear thingy. He does not enjoy the doctor looking into his ear with the light thing, nor is he a big fan of the stethoscope. The shots really tick him off, but once he’s dressed, held and talked to for a bit, he’s usually back to normal.

Sadly, I seem to have derailed my train of thought somewhere along the line. So this post ends now.

All the joy of campaign season

Here's today's column. Kind of a dud, perhaps, but I think I made my point.

Things are about to get ugly.

Why? In case you missed it, Tuesday marked the beginning of the eight-week period leading up to the Nov. 2 general election, at which time we will select a president and senators, representatives and the like at the state and national level. Anyone who questions low voter turnout, especially among young people, need only pay attention for the next two months to figure out why.

Growing up and studying American history in the fine grade schools of Libertyville, Ill., I learned to think of presidents and senators as people like Abraham Lincoln or Thomas Jefferson, highly intelligent men with strong opinions on key issues. These men were usually well-read, excellent writers and always up for a debate.

It seems that my history classes always told us about presidential elections that focused on issues, be it slavery, states’ rights, foreign trade or immigration, and the candidates always knew perfectly well what side of the fence they belonged on.

These days, who knows what the issues are? Near as I can tell, the election will be decided based on which candidate was more honorable during the Vietnam War. That was before my lifetime and, believe it or not, I’d rather know who’s going to be a better candidate going forward than who did what 30-plus years ago.

I’m not ragging on any one party, I pretty much dislike them both. You know which candidate would get my vote? The one who drops all campaign advertising, save for yard signs and parade floats, and spends his multi-million dollar war chest on something worthwhile, such as donations to a food pantry or a scholarship fund to help the less-privileged attend Yale like both silver spoon candidates.

It’s mind-boggling to think how much money is being spent in not just the race for the White House, but also in the fight for Capitol Hill seats held by Republicans Chuck Grassley and Jim Nussle. My outsider’s insight tells me both will win easily, but that won’t stop either from dropping a few pretty pennies on the race in the next 56 days.

Meanwhile, school board elections are coming up next Tuesday in Iowa. Here’s a chance to vote where the turnout is really important, and not just to those of you with school-aged children. The quality of a school system is tied inextricably to the lifeblood of the community. Put simply: You want low property taxes, you support a good school system, because that is one of the first make-or-break items when companies consider where to locate.

Furthermore, a school board candidate is someone you can actually hold accountable. Have a grudge with President Bush? Good luck getting a one-on-one anytime soon to air your differences. Don’t like a school board member’s decision? Go to a meeting, write a letter, call them at home. It is a much truer form of representative government.

Though the overall turnout will be low in November (many people enchanted by the primary process in January are about to be turned off by an onslaught of mudslinging and campaign ads), it will dwarf the percentage of folks who vote this Tuesday.

The sad part is I’m already, at just 25, growing weary of trying to make people care enough to vote. I don’t know what to do to reach out to people — regardless of age — and convince them how important voting is in a free society. I always say that if you choose not to vote, you lose your right to complain, but that doesn’t seem to stop most people from whining when something doesn’t go their way.

I guess when our founding fathers and mothers were dumping all that tea in Boston Harbor and shooting up the Redcoats, they were fighting for a nation in which people could enjoy the freedom not to care what anyone did with their money. And so far, it’s worked.

Every year, it seems less Americans care about the political process, even though it’s starting to seem like every election is more important than the last. Maybe this year will be different — maybe all the fervor from caucus season will carry through to November.

But just remember, if you have the time to vote for the president, you have the time to vote in a school board election. You won’t get a citation or a medal or a cookie or anything, but at least you can feel good about using your rights as an American to help direct the future of your community and country. That should be all the incentive you need.

Sucks to be this guy

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. (AP) -- Monroe County Coroner David Toumey was hospitalized with a leg wound after accidentally shooting himself while trying to demonstrate gun safety.

Toumey told The Herald-Times for a story published Saturday that he was demonstrating gun safety to some people at a Lake Monroe boat ramp about 11 p.m. Wednesday when he accidentally shot himself.

He said that as he checked to make sure his weapon was unloaded, the gun discharged, and a bullet struck him in his left leg.

"It's an unfortunate accident," Toumey said. "I've always been very, very safe."

Read the full accounthere.

World of Evan

Fun links from my friend Evan who, as usual, comes up with weird stuff.

Clicking here will take you to one of the obscure, amusing, non-offensive videos the web is notorious for.

Clicking here will take you to a site with Bubb Rubb links which, I ahve to say, I do not yet fully understand. BUt I'm told its funny.

And, finally, clicking here takes you to The Sporting News column written by Jeremy Bloom, the Olympic skiier and (against his wishes) ex-Colorado Buffalo wideout. A sample:

Aaron Adair was a young man who battled brain cancer for a long portion of his life. He not only had enough heart to become part of the select few in the country to overcome the unthinkable disease, but he also possessed enough to make the University of Oklahoma's varsity baseball team.

Aaron wrote his own book while he was in college, intending to give other cancer patients hope they too could win their battles with the disease. After his book was published, the compassionate and understanding folks at the NCAA ended Aaron's dream of playing baseball because his name was attached to a "corporate product."

But life rolls on in the wonderful world of amateur athletics because the NCAA doesn't have to justify its decisions to anyone. They are the all-powerful people who make decisions that will have a positive impact on the "student-athlete."

I rank Bloom's piece as a "must read" for anyone who's ever wondered why college athletes are subject to such strange rules.

Where have I been?

Enough with the excuses, I guess. Work is just plain busy. I think I logged in 12 extra hours this week, and I get to go in Sunday afternoon to help with Monday's paper.

My arm feels a little better since my falling off the house incident. Thursday night, while unpacking from Wednesday's Sam's Club excursion, I didn't feel a thing as I hauled three 40-lb. bags of kitty litter into the basement (not all at once, of course) and didn't feel a thing. But the next day, when I reached back to tuck my shirt in, I wanted to scream. All in all, I can tell the pain is going away, and that's a good thing.

Jack slept until 4 a.m. Friday and 6 a.m. today. That was nice. But then the little bugger didn't crash before his next bottle at 9:30 a.m., which is news to me. So far, he's always slept, at least for 15 minutes, between feedings. But apparently that ship has sailed.

We took Jack on his first trip to Elizabeth today since my uncle Kevin and his wife, Carole, are still in from Montana until Tuesday. He was on his absolute best behavior, eating just after we got there and then smiling and laughing at everyone while we ate lunch. He made quite the impression. He only fussed a little, right before going down for an afternoon nap. He also was enraptured with Kev's dog, Jesse, a very sweet golden lab. This story has nothing really exciting or funny involved, but neither does most of my daily life.

I'm going through a bit of Cubs withdrawal lately due to a little thing you may have heard of called Hurricane Frances. See, the Cubs were supposed to play three games in Miami this weekend, which obviously is not happening. Figure in off days Thursday and Labor Day, and there's five non-baseball days. The upside is the entire rotation gets to take time off, hopefully helping to recharge for the stretch run. The downsides (and there are many) are the first-place Cubs lose ground while the Giants and Padres keep playing and somewhere along the line, these games have to be made up. Although the staff is getting rest now, it'll be stretched later this month. I guarantee somewhere along the line Glendon Rusch and Sergio Mitre will make one more start, maybe even the same day.

But who remembers that gem Shawn Estes threw in Cincinnati last year? A complete game shutout from a guy that hadn't thrown for weeks and even got left off the playoff roster. When you only win the division by one game, these are the things that make a huge difference.

I guess the new "Real World" season starts Tuesday. It'll be tough for me to get into it with the pennant race and all. And I'm still kind of ticked I fell off the San Diego wagon, but I blame baseball there, too. I think I'll have to handle this season like I did Paris, blowing it off for a month then getting totally caught up some Saturday morning during a marathon.

Who caught the "Joe Schmo 2" finale? We finally watched our tape. I was very satisfied, but felt they spent a little too long on the warm fuzzies after the reveal. Still, I'll be looking into renting the DVD just for a chance at a commentary track. I did manage to tape the entire run of season two, for whatever that's worth.

All right, I think that's all for now. Good grief, I'm boring. The only moderately exciting thing about me right now is the vodka-spiked orange julius I'm drinking while listening to the Marching Illini play a "Rawhide/Stand By Your Man" medley inspired by "The Blues Brothers."

It doesn't get much better than this.

Sucks to be this chick

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) -- A teacher enforcing school regulations on haircuts snipped one girl's locks to ear's length Thursday but ended up lopping off a chunk of her ear as well, police said.

Laweng Yangpakdee, a teacher at Wat Dan Prachakorn school in southern Chumpon province, had been inspecting students after their morning assembly to ensure their hair was regulation length, said police Capt. Kamsingh Sriyapai.

"He was going to cut the hair of this girl who had a haircut that was against school regulations. ... Her hair was against her ear, and he just cut without being careful," Kamsingh said.

Read the full account here.

Up my craw

Two things that are bugging me lately.

1. Jack has decided he no longer wants to sleep until 6 a.m. He now wants to get up at 2:30 every morning.

2. I fell off my house yesterday, and my left arm hurts anytime I so much as scratch my butt. I didn’t fall off the top, just the side, where I was climbing on a window ledge to try to affix a shutter to our brick wall. And a big ol’ bush broke my fall (and broke itself, actually). I didn’t hit my head at all really. The pain is nothing compared to the time I got a concussion after being thrown from a golf cart. But it hurts to shut the car door. And that sucks.

It’s kind of like back when I was umpiring for money in the summers after junior year of high school. I got hit with a foul tip on the right shoulder, right between the two parts of my chest protector. I could barely put the car into gear to drive home. In fact, I had to use my left arm for that.

Suffice it to say, this has not been one of my finer weeks.