And so Charlie has been with us for four weeks. A full month. According to the scale at the pediatrician’s office today, he weighs 9 1/2 pounds, which is exactly what Kristie’s dad guessed Saturday.
Ah, Saturday. Quite the busy day in our life, as it was Max’s third birthday party. Thought the guest list was only grandparents and aunts and uncles, Kristie still put out a good spread of food and we had the house somewhat clean. Aside from a serious Jack meltdown as the night ended, it was a really wonderful day to celebrate family. As well as everything went, it’s reasonably safe to assume Kristie felt like she’d have had things more under control if she weren’t a slave to an infant with an unpredictable feeding schedule.
This, of course, is not to say Kristie didn’t perform like the champion she is, but merely to acknowledge the high standards she sets for herself and her frustration with trying to make a special day for Max while handicapped by needing to serve at Charlie’s whim. The good news is Max, who turned 3 Wednesday, is so good at expressing himself that he was able to survey the party decorations, work up a big grin, give Kristie a hug and say “Mom, I like my party. It makes me so happy!” It’s hard for moms to feel appreciated most of the time, to have such a young child do such a good job of showing his real feelings is a tremendous blessing.
Charlie continues to get out. Friday evening we hired a sitter for the older boys and took Charlie to our small group session. The hosts are the parents of a girl exactly six months older than Charlie. Another couple, making their first visit to our group, brought their 3 1/2-month old daughter. Both those girls are first children. Naturally the conversation trends toward the little ones, and for Kristie it’s great to be able to connect to other mothers who nurse, use cloth diapers and generally have a lot in common from a parenting philosophy standpoint. The high point for me was Charlie sleeping the entire time we were there (about three hours) and the sitter having both kids in bed by the time we got home. Sure, I had to wash a load of diapers and didn’t get to bed myself until after 1 a.m., but it still felt like a night off.
Charlie also came with us to church for a second straight Sunday, though I must confess we could not get the five of us out the door in time for the worship service. We only attended our Sunday school parenting class, but that is another key component of our weekly routine, if only to connect with other parents. It helps us put life in a different kind of perspective, and it’s very much appreciated.
The class has switched to a new DVD series, the first session of which we watched Sunday. Aside from the religious implications (which I’d be happy to discuss), the main take home point was to challenge us to discuss our parenting philosophy — that is, how do we want to raise our kids outside of “I hope they’re happy.”
To be honest, I never put a lot of thought into my parenting “philosophy” other than trying to replicate the things my parents did that I felt “worked” — since I’m happy with how I turned out and what my life has become, they must have done quite a bit to set me on the right path — and to avoid their techniques/behaviors that I never cared for. Of course, as we become parents ourselves, we without fail see the wisdom behind some of the things our parents did when we were young.
Without going into tremendous detail, I will say one thing I always ran into with my own dad was feeling like he’d forgotten what it meant to be (whatever age I was at the time). I’ve since come to realize a few things.
One: being a teenager in the 1960s in a tiny, rural town in Northwestern Illinois is nowhere near the same as being a teenager in the 1990s in Chicago’s north suburbs, so I needed to cut him a ton of slack on that one.
Two, sometimes even when you do remember what it was like to be a certain age, that doesn’t mean you as a parent can improve things for your child (translation: Pops and I are both the oldest and both have younger brothers, so we know what a pain they can be. But we also know you can’t let the big kid control the little one because it isn’t a fair fight).
Three, and marriage has taught me this more than parenting, sometimes I don’t do as good a job seeing things form someone else’s point of view as I think I do, and that might be a genetic trait.
This is a gross oversimplification, but I don’t have the time to write 40,000 words on the topic. Forgive me.
Adding to the mix is that our parenting style is a mixture of what each of us were exposed to as children, and we didn’t meet until we were on the brink of adulthood. Yet, each of us being the oldest — and especially with us living near Kristie’s parents while her brother was still in grade school — we’ve had a bit of a window into how each other’s parents approached parenting, not just our own memories of being young.
Again, just scratching the surface, but the end result is this: I don’t
have a parenting philosophy. Of course, when a newborn is in the mix, parents pretty much switch to survival mode — at least we do. And as long as Charlie continues to change his eating and sleeping routine every two days or so, there’s little reason to believe we’ll be in anything but survival mode for the foreseeable future. As long as I’m able to maintain my patience with the older boys and somehow remember what it’s like to have a relationship with my wife, I should be OK.
As I’ve written before, I somehow take pleasure in being in survival mode. It boils family life down to its very essence and forces me to continually confront the choices I’ve made about what I consider important in life. Fortunately, that confrontation always reaffirms the value I placed years ago on being a husband and father. There is nothing I can think of that could mean more to me than holding close to my family. Sure, we’re a circus, but it’s our circus and we continue to make it work.